๐๐ถ๐ต ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฑ๐ต๐ฉ๐ด ๐ ๐ค๐ณ๐บ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ, ๐ ๐๐๐๐. ๐๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฅ, ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ข๐ณ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ท๐ฐ๐ช๐ค๐ฆ! ๐๐ฆ๐ต ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ฆ๐ข๐ณ๐ด ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ข๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ต๐ช๐ท๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ท๐ฐ๐ช๐ค๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ด๐ถ๐ฑ๐ฑ๐ญ๐ช๐ค๐ข๐ต๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ด! ๐๐ง ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ, ๐ ๐๐๐๐, ๐ด๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ฎ๐ข๐ณ๐ฌ ๐ช๐ฏ๐ช๐ฒ๐ถ๐ช๐ต๐ช๐ฆ๐ด, ๐๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฅ, ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ฐ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ด๐ต๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ? ๐๐ถ๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ช๐ด ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ๐จ๐ช๐ท๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ด๐ด ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ, ๐ด๐ฐ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฎ๐ข๐บ ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฅ. ๐ ๐ธ๐ข๐ช๐ต ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐๐๐๐, ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ด๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ ๐ธ๐ข๐ช๐ต๐ด, ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฅ ๐ ๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ฑ๐ฆ; ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ด๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ ๐ธ๐ข๐ช๐ต๐ด ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฅ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ฏ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ด๐ฆ ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ฐ ๐ธ๐ข๐ต๐ค๐ฉ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฏ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ, ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ฏ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ด๐ฆ ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ฐ ๐ธ๐ข๐ต๐ค๐ฉ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฏ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ. ๐ ๐๐ด๐ณ๐ข๐ฆ๐ญ, ๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ฑ๐ฆ ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐๐๐๐! ๐๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐๐๐๐ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ช๐ด ๐ด๐ต๐ฆ๐ข๐ฅ๐ง๐ข๐ด๐ต ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ท๐ฆ, ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ ๐ฉ๐ช๐ฎ ๐ช๐ด ๐จ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ต ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ธ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฎ. ๐๐ต ๐ช๐ด ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ฐ ๐ธ๐ช๐ญ๐ญ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฎ ๐๐ด๐ณ๐ข๐ฆ๐ญ ๐ง๐ณ๐ฐ๐ฎ ๐ข๐ญ๐ญ ๐ช๐ต๐ด ๐ช๐ฏ๐ช๐ฒ๐ถ๐ช๐ต๐ช๐ฆ๐ด. -Psalm 130
Like so many, I have lived with bouts of anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, nobody talked about it; it was a completely taboo subject. Emotional or mental disorders were a sign of weakness and of brokenness, so I kept silent. I spent years living with the fear and anger that seemed to come from out of nowhere. Living with the constant feeling of not being good enough. Living in darkness that at times would refuse to go away. Being a class clown and a funny guy so no one would see the pain. Distancing myself from others so they would not see the real me.
Then, one day it all came crashing down. My faรงade started to crack. The darkness seemed to physically close in on me. The twin demons of depression and anxiety had engulfed me. Bette found me on the floor unable to tell her why or how I got there. I lay broken and crushed after decades of denial. My illness took over. I was lost. The darkness had won.
Or so I thought.
The light was still there; I just didnโt see it. But with help from Bette, my doctor, my counselor/spiritual adviser, and the Holy Spirit, the darkness started to recede. My depression is still there but with prayer, medication, and counseling, it is managed and I can continue in hope. I also believe that it is part of my calling as a pastor to be open and honest about my struggle so others can see that there is hope. There is help. I hope that one day the stigma of mental illness falls away so others do not have to suffer so much.
โMighty God, in Jesus Christ you deal with forces that trouble our minds and set us against ourselves. Give peace to those who are cast down, beset by anxiety, or torn by inner conflict. By your great might, drive from us the powers that shake confidence and shatter love. Bring us into the light of your truth, and give us your strong assurance that we are your beloved children in Jesus Christ our Lord.โ
Pastor Tim
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